Pignorance is bliss.

The other day, I had a conversation with an acquaintance about food; specifically, the discussion was regarding foods we dislike. I immediately rhymed off as many pork-infused dishes as I could think of, which he met with general accord.

Before I drop the bomb, allow me to give you a quick profile of my friend: He is a 21 year old kineseology student, well spoken and reasonably intelligent. One would assume that this individual could discern the difference between animal proteins, and distinguish between the ungulate and avian orders of animalia. In this case, that assumption would be too bold.

As the discussion progressed, I noticed one of his eyebrows peak inquisitively; a precautionary gesture to his interrogative blunder.

"Is turkey pork?" he asked. I paused, half expecting a "just kidding!", or perhaps a plucky punchline. The query floundered starkly, awaiting a response. I'll admit, I was flustered. I could hardly draw my pistol of scorn out of its holster!

It could have been several seconds before I piped up, it felt like 5 minutes. "No, turkey is turkey. Pork is pigmeat."

What a face-palm moment. Turkey is a delicious, edible bird. Pigs are foul, disgusting, sacks of grime with hooves. The two could not be further apart. This is a problem that pines for a simple, comprehensive solution. Being proactive on the anti-pork front, I've come up with a little tool to help these poor wretches.

If you have difficulties distinguishing swineflesh from actual food, here is a quick checklist you can follow to help you!

• Is there a strange, unpleasant odour to the meat?
• Does the packaging include an illustration/photograph of a pig?
• Are flies instantly attracted to the meat and/or its residues?
• Is the meat in question greyish-pink, and considerably slimier than other meats?
• Is it in slightly curved, dick-like sausage format?

Should the answer to any of these questions be "yes!", immediately discard the foul pig morsels and eat something else. Another option would be to strike whomever has served this meat to you. Seriously, deliver blows with a clenched fist.

Keeping Tabs on the Agenda

We need to talk about pork again. I recently went out to eat at a Thai restaurant, and I was delighted to find that there were no pork items available on the menu. The food was excellent, by the way; and I digress. My point is that it was a rare and unexpected treat.

Why would this particular business decide to omit pork from the menu, and include unpopular dishes such as duck? Look at other popular Oriental cuisines and you will find swine throughout: Japanese Yaki-dori (Skewered pork. Careful - it looks like chicken!), Vietnamese Pork Balls (yech!), to the dreaded Korean Pork-bone soup. I imagine that pork-bone soup tastes as good as it sounds. Delish!


I dug around a little bit, but my search for a Thai anti-pork movement yielded points to the contrary. Apparently, there is a movement to increase the amount of pork consumed by Thai's.
http://www.thepigsite.com/swinenews/11714/thailand-set-target-to-increase-the-consumption-of-pork

I know, I know. I was disturbed that somebody would use "thepigsite" as a domain name too. Let's focus and try to just stay on topic.

The article divulges the story of an individual by the name of Mr. Surachai Suttitham and his dastardly scheme to increase the amount of pork Thai's eat. Here are a few quotables that set off red flags in my head.

"He said that the department will issue various menus that have pork as an
ingredient. He added that the benefit of consuming pork will be shown on the
menus so people would be enticed to try those dishes."

"Mr. Surachai said that the domestic swine consumption is less than the expected target. Therefore, his association is cooperating with the Livestock Department to stimulate the consumption from 13.9 kg per person per year to 15 kg per person annually."

Mr. Surachai seems like kind of an asshole. I'm willing to bet he's not only the president of the swineraisers association - he's also a client. 15 kg's of pork is a whole lot of nasty. It strikes me as odd that this number would come up as "the expected target". The pork agenda has its hoof in many pies, but if pigmeat starts showing up at 0ne of my favourite restaurants I'm coming for you, Suttitham. And there will be no mercy.

What is The Pork Agenda?

As far as conspiracy theories go, this does not quite inspire the mystique of the alien autopsies and Templar riches. One could even make the argument that the alleged Walt Disney cryogenic lab would make a better movie plot. Yikes.

"Enough already with the comparisons, what the sam-fuck is a Pork Agenda?"

In summary, we believe that the food industry has been exposing us to morsels of porkmeat in small amounts. Their motives are unclear, but the results are demoralizing to say the least. Hunks of pig meat have been showing up places that pork does not belong, ie: Minestrone soup, egg rolls, garden salad (wtf?), clam chowder, turkey sausages (WTF!? x2) etc.

"BUT PROK IS TNASTY AND GOOD 4 U!!!!1 Y DONT U LIEK IT!? R U A TERORIST????"

We did not give up eating pork for religious reasons, check the stats! Pork is generally higher in fat and salt than any other animal proteins. We also found that the natural taste of pig meat, all sauces/seasoning aside, was unappetizing. And let's not forget, it has been said that pork is assumed to taste similar to human flesh.

"I love bacon and I think you're wrong. I eat bacon and ham and pork chops all day, mmm!"

Very good, but we are not telling you what to eat. The whole point of this project is to get people into a mindset of critical thinking when it comes to their food. You may be happy as a pig in shit eating ribs for dinner, but what about your fruity boyfriend who ordered a salad? Did he specify that he wanted hunks of pig meat hidden amongst the vegetables? Probably not.

Currently, we have begun research into this debacle and we will prepare a full report on our findings. Please leave us a note and stop by frequently for updates.

disclaimer: If you have a hard time detecting blatant satire, this might not be as good a chuckle for you as it is for everybody else. Might we recommend a good colouring book?